Landscapes For Better Living, Inc.

If the creative energy I spend at my job goes toward the discovery of how to nap without being caught, I think something needs to change. I'm fighting a growing panic this afternoon, in part because of the coffee breakfast I had, but more from the overheard conversation that is taking place outside my cubicle. Two men are talking, one who has worked here 16 years, the other 18, they are worried about their projects being cut and the time they've invested in them. This reflects on my current mental crisis and the time I've wasted not working on what I want to do, of course, figuring out what you want to do is another issue entirely. Because of this it has been a rough week, or more accurately, a week of coming to terms with the discrepancy between what I'm doing with my life and what I want to be doing. I spoke with a professor last week who, not unkindly, told me I had self-destructive behaviors going on to add that if I continued with my current trends ("working deadend jobs") I would, most likely, end up a bitter, unhappy person. . .Noted. It seems that I'm going through a bit of an existential crisis.

However, her reflections didn't come as too much of a shock. I had figured I was bored and maybe a little lonely, and after I went through the depression check-list in the lunchroom mentally checking "yes" to all of the signs, I added depression and it's lack of action to the list of causes for my current state of being. But what she did say that affected my inaction, is the threat of her not being my reference for graduate school. Unless I can prove to her that:

1) I will work hard and therefore, not reflect badly on her,
2) That I care,
3) That I will be decisive in my actions,
4) That I will work professionally in my field.

Of course, I want this and now, in the past week, I've been trying to counter my "deadend" actions. And the more I address them, it seems the less time I have for work. Which leads me to reinstate my imaginary design firm; Landscapes For Better Living. I created it last semester when I was in a community and regional planning/agronomy class when I was having trouble motivating myself to write a paper. As a timewaster that encompasses both my skills at daydreaming and egoism, I came up with a firm that would solve the world's problems. But until my versions of reality and the anti-matter converge, I'm left with Plan B...

I'm a believer in coincidences and luck (I was talking about this with a friend who when he sees a tails-up penny on the ground, has to turn it over for the next person, but the penny can't leave the ground.) So on Monday, after a weekend of introspection and planning, I saw a woman I was in a few studios with, I took it as a sign to start looking for jobs in architecture. We talked, and after the chance-meeting I sent my resume to a firm in town that is looking for an Intern Architect. I meet none of their requirements yet they want to meet with me. And as hard as I try, I just can't imagine them hiring me, but putting me in a situation ripe with possibilities for me to spew ridiculous things out of my mouth to embarrass myself.